I took some time,to look back at my blogs..noticed that I've started for a year and 4 months..It was the exactly the time I came in to PPKTJ..Looking back,I've seen a different side of me each time..With the feelings of the exact moments still intact..That's what all my blog is about..To others,it may be just a chapter of my life to go through and comment about..But to me,I realise that its more than that(obviously)..
Through my entries,I'd laugh about how I felt when starting to know my seniors,how frustrated I felt for my secondary friends to "abandon" me..guess it was just all nonsense at that time..that was just the time when I first started to go into a new world,a different outside world from the 6 protective years of secondary school..Along with it,my anguish toward my family,towards my friends etc..And also the happiness that flowed through..
My blog,writing wise,has not improve by leaps and bounds,instead has deteriorated.I guess I should expect this..For blogging is a free "world" where nobody is here to judge the way I write,and I'm not to get or aim any writing competition prizes anyway..Have I grown up?For some moments yes,but a short lived one I suppose..the only drastic change was,I have now,a few friends going through my blog,when it was only Abel and Emerson last time..Thanks to all of you,for commenting on my blog..You have no idea how much YOUR simple few lines can meant so much to me at times...THANK YOU..
~A walk To Remember~
~Wakarahen..~
Kyono ichini wa..nihonjin ni chyushinni natta..early morning I woke up at 6am,just to prepare myself to go to Grand Seasons hotel for another programme of taking the japanese students around a few tourist sites in KL.Unlike last year though,this year it was organized by the people from JLSM and our PPTKJ,only 7 were picked to take part,and the choice of who were to go were in the hands of James.In the end it was down to James,Clement,Kim Shing, 3kohais and me..one kohai was to be replacement to Teo,who recently have encountered a serious Red-eye disease which practically infected 10percent of the boys here..Poor thing,his eye were really bloodshot red and swollen to the max..
Side tracked already,anyway..As usual I arrived way to early and was doing what normal teenagers would do if thrown to a boring state of the mind nowadays..I sms-ed and played dumb..how funny we looked,with all the so-called high tech gadgets,yet it only acts a cover up for boredom..oh well.We were given at least a 45minute briefing,being treated like some young kids who doesn't know how to read the instructions and have to be told what to do and what not to do..yawn..And then the assignments..It was kinda weird,with all of us Malaysians on stage while being assigned to a group each.."lucky"me,I got a 8person group..While some of the guy got 9 guys,with 2 PPKTJ guys in it..totally unjust but I managed the big crowd..haha..
We sorta made a pack,with me taking one kohai and Kim Shing,for these two hardly,or worse,seldom step out from the room of PPKTJ..Thus,again not only I'm being thrown to take resposibility for the Japanese,I had to ensure their group was safe too..First mistake of the day,I took them to Times Square first,after the guys in Kim's group wanted to go there first..it was 9.45am,and yes...The shops were not fully opened yet..darn..Well,after some staggering and broken Japanese,we settled for Times Square for one hour..It was like eternity..The first half was more of like me,trying to figure out what to engage them with conversation,whilst trying my best to catch what they're saying..shit..kansai ben,really hard to catch..though it has been a year,why do I stil find it difficult to speak to them?visions of my future n Japan came popping up...Yes,I'll still be i this sticky situation should I chose Suzuka..sigh..
Being a chapereon is so not an easy task..Not only I have to ask them what they wanna do,it was even tougher when they asked me what should they do..weird way of asking..anyway,times square was a big mistake..I was given a small dose of worry and a pang of guiltiness when of my members tuned up10minutes late after I told them to gather at 11am..guilty,cuz we are not supposed to let them roam around,according to the rule-schmules..duh,stick together as a pack all day?Where's the fun of it?Besides,if you get a group of interesting people it'll be alright but with mine..chotto...
Next was Petaling street..or so it seems..I met up with Eric and kim and we took the train from Hang Tuah to Plaza Rakyat..Walking a short distance was kinda alright except that "atsui atsui" was heard non stop..Yeah,it was scorching hot this afternoon.I usually think Chinatown into four parts,divided according to the intersection in the middle..today we managed to use 15minutes to walk 2 parts of it and then I took them to Central Market..Unlike Clement's team who spent 3hours at Petaling street,we spent only 15minutes..reason?simple,the gals were unwilling to spare their money on fake goods..And so,Central Market it was..more of like,the ultimate choice since it was air-conditioned.Another 1hour spent there..
Problem 2 arose..While I was strolling around alone while the gals went for their souvenir shopping,i saw 2 of the most quiet member of my team on the verge of going in a Indian shop..you know,those mamak-like restaurants mushrooming all over Klang Valley these days..And i offered to help them order food..My,it was no easy task..And i've learned the word "weird" today!Never in my life I felt so ignored...Reason,simple..Ask:"tabetemitai?"no smile,no nod,no head shaking..Great..2 of them,exactly,expressionless!The mamak guy was practically trying to talk to them pointing at all the ayam goreng,ayam masak merah etc..But the gals..nothing,they did nothing..Just looked at me blankly..I thought,at first that they might be hungry,cuz whle I asked earlier non said they were hungry,so I assume these 2 were just too shy to tell..so I helped them order,with Nasi briyani etc..
Went off,walked around and went back to check on them,just in case..Good thing I did too..2gals,1ate while the other looked as if she wants to cry..Do you have any idea how long I took to coax her to tell me her problem?Thought it might be she doesn't like the food,not suitable etc..But no,she kept quiet,just shifting her eyes,looking troubled..When she finally spoke,I was shocked to hear that she asked if it was alright to stand and leave just then!I was like huh?why?and again,the trouble looking eyes and facial expression,yet,no words..i looked at the other gal,hopefully she'll shed some light on whats going on..bt nada..these two was really driving me up the wall!!!At last after coaxing for about another 10minutes,telling her it was alright if she doesn't want to eat etc,got any problems inform me etc..i finally got the truth,she was full and doesn't want to eat!is it that hard to tell me?!?!!?The trouble soon sank in..on the table was,2big fried prawns,a plate of sotong,some cabbage,acah,Ayam goreng along with 2 plates of nasi briyani!At one sight it spells,too much food and high price..The mamak guy had the nerve to add some side dishes which I didn't order!sad to say,the gals ate a bite of it so i cannot return them..What to do,since she doesn't wanna eat and it seems ridiculous to waste all the food,I ate instead..And I paid for everything..sighhhhh...Can't force someone to pay when she doesn't really eat it right?the food was delicious but it really made my wallet bled..it cost Rm45.50...if it was not for the rest of the members who found me eating alone,(The 2 gals left after I told them it was alright to go..no point ask them see me eat ler)and I didn't manage to stuff all the food in my stomach,can't ask them to wait for me to finish my lunch right..sigh..wasted..the sotong still not really touched ler!And i took only one prawn..sigh..sigh sigh..planned to finish all the food at first but to no vail and I wasn't even full yet...
WEll,the last one hour was to travel back and thank goodness I got them back safe and sound,arriving sharply at 2pm..conversation wise,hard cuz most of the time they undestand what I said but not the other way round,it was hard man,with the hougen...and it was hard to plaster a fake smile all day when you actually have no idea what they are talking about..I found problem 3..Kim Shing and Eric were seperated though all of us were nearby..kim's phone ran outta battery and Eric ran out of credit..And I became their bridge,by calling them non stop,arrange their meeting point before both their handphones went outta battery...I went back alone while I worry sick about them,who arrived at2.30pm..These two managed to find their way to each other and back to the hotel,though30 mintes late..I was so relieved..All in all,it was just mentally energy zapping..It was fun in a way,but still hard to think what to talk about when I can hardly understand their questions and wat remarks to give..I'm really bad in giving comments or actually,I 'm so used to not give irrelevant nonsense til I'm accustomed not to speak,thus,not to think of these so-called..jyoshiki?Some people can crap a lot,but not me..who deemed all these irrlevant..It took its' toll today...
After that had a move of Zorro2..Just really can't help noticing the elegance that sparks around Catherine-Zeta Jones..She's just too pretty..And then head home..Bad luck or what?Thinking it'll be easier for mum to pick me up inside Kl Sentral cuz the outer lane was packed and jammed with cars for the Deepavali celebrations I told her I'll wait at the place where Genting bus stops..And she thought othrwise..After a merry-go-round and endless calls...both of our tempers flared and i kept quiet the whole journey after a game of shouting-and-blaming.Even lied that I've took dinner..The RM45.50 was still in my stomach anyway..So much so,i'm still full right now..And watched The Way Home on TV just now..It was pretty touching but not enough to bring tears to my eyes,just a full sympathy towards the old lady..To see her small actions showering love for her spoilt grandson..Little actions actually are louder than words,and it shows that actions of love can even move the coldest of hearts..Little words are used here as the grandma was mute,and that's the beauty of this movie..You have to experience and guess the real meaning and message it was tryng to express and convey through body language and small gestures..which reminds me of 2 things I felt happy doing today..Must give credit to myself sometimes*grin..I helped an Indian lady up when she fell down on the way to Central Market while others just looked on,and gave my seats to a foreigner with a bag full of shopping stuff,though he was a man..haha..Felt good to do these things sometimes..I mean,it doesn't cost me anything,why not lend a helping hand at times?Not only one will feel good,you helped to ease other peoples' burden too..it's a win-win situation,so i guess that's why Malaysian are famed to helped others out.Of course not to a point where it exploits other people and use them as or own advantages..that would be just mean..
~I'm Blessed~
I'm blessed...With a happy family..With a healthy body...With very very (self-claim)beautiful hair....with great friends though i don't see eye to eye with each and everyone of them..With a weird sense of humour...With a great opportunity to further my studies overseas..
With so much blessings,yet why sometimes I fail to see all these?Especially times of urgency,people tend to say true friends show etc,but why i can't see it in my life?Of times of my lowest time of my life,I reached out,only to grasp thin air and a bottomless pit of dreadedness..Exam period,a very complicated yet delicate time to organise my thoughts..not only i have more time to face endless books,while doing revision,sad to say,thoughts starts to wander too..
Yesterday night was the night I slept only 4hours..No,not because of revision,but because I worry...too much again...funny,its the last day of exam too..what i worry then?of course to say the thoughts of my difficulty in handling Physics questions doesn't exist is by all means a false claim,but besides an endless worries with formulas formatting on my bran,i worry again..my life in japan..we have to make choices again..this time where to go..i'm thinking Suzuka..Taking bio..yes,bio..after not having any lessons related to it for these 2 years.Worry that in a foreign land,will I be able to carry myself well etc..It's totally different from here,though far from home,language wise its easy for me to bond with fellow PPKTJs though most of them are malays..i worry too,about my results in this exam..And my silent behavior here,will it reflect that i'm a loner?How will I be in Japan..
Gosh,its after exam now,i should be happy,gay,joyful,energetic..yet i felt like a dead fish..haha..must be the 13laps of swimming just now,added with 4hours of slept in the morning..equals anxiety and de-joyfulness..hahaI even dreamt of what to write here in my blog yesterday,at 1am..bt agan,with one wake and 2 exams,its lost...sigh..go chat only lar...mata
~just Crapping~
Again,its one of those days where I have no idea what to write,must be life here is too boring for me to get any ideas to blog..But then,always,blogging is about crapping..And I have to admit,it really deteriorates my English at times,with no proper guidlines of writing etc..
To start of with..I hate to be doing chores at times..Why is it it was Matsuse Sensei's birthday and i have to be the one to buy everything whereas the rest did nothing?for the sake that everyone could have fun later?hmm,not a bad thought huh?oh well,they say,since you're the KL gal,with the car to fetch everything..Fine..I'll do just that,anyway,what choice do I have?Look at it this way Isuppose,Ii'm going to this only once in my lifetime..but I'm going to really hate to have anything to do with James from now onwards..that guy has been using me to get everything when it comes to party etc..I really have to steer clear next time..First the Mooncake Festival,then the sushi thing,now this..I'm steering clear..But not until I have to go and get the cake..sigh..
Next week will be the week where I have to start studying for my exam,it doesn't really pressure much once I get started but now it's really pressuring.Simple,I haven't started."get started then" easy for anyone to say,but as usual,there's this thing about studying on a weekend at home..it doesn't look really appealing..I'll leave it to the weekdays when I go back today..But now,arrgh..my shoulders are aching like hell..it happens,when you think too much about not studying..the guilt is a slow and poisonous disease,and it weakens me every 2 months..The thing is,should I be like any normal guy,who couldn't even care less about studies,it wouldn't have hurt that much..But sadly,I'm not one of those,yet,not taking the action to curb my laziness,adding these 2 can prove quite fatal..to my mentality,and my aching shoulders..ignorance and laziness,what a good combination as poison..
2 weeks later,I'll online..let's see what happens then..oohhh,I'm so excited..(rolling my eyes..sigh)
~A short one~
Just felt like crapping a few short words without using too much thinking..not in the mood..
1.it was super nice to taste the Kajang Satay yesterday..all the 21 of us..Though i really hated waiting for others,wasted my Rm4 due to hunger and too much tme spent on waiting for the kohais..Though,Appology accepted!haha..Oh by the way,yesterday on the way there,Kim Shing and I had the KTM door closed in front of us..Blame it on Kim Shing,James was asking us to hurry up already but Kim Shing blocked in front of me,not wanting to hurry up..in the end,yeah,both of us were stuck in the station and spent another 4minutes..It was ok,except the fact that..the train had a major hiccup and jerked to a sudden halt at Pasar Seni station..Great huh?Cramped like a sardine,while the train was stuck and the door couldn't open..And the Ah Ma sitting in front of me was talking to Ah Pek,"die lo,why the door cannot open?Jin Ba Huan Ler...trouble lo"etc..make people panic only..And the lady next to me"Yesterday was worst,we had to wait for 5 to 20 minutes,according to them the track went sidetrack a little..today must be not fully repaired"dasoudatta.....great,just great..back to the stay,what lar,i took only 7,Xin Ning 6,Jenny5,may Ching around 8 oso,Min Ley 9..yet we all have to pay RM10?the guys practically..on the left side of the table..17,15,19..great..however the kohai on my right..7,8,9..Who's fault,James and his side of kohai's fault..250 satay,and i took only 7...great number..but whatever lar,it tasted swell!Never knew there's duck meat satay too,swell,just swell..the best was mutton
2.Early morning wake up,just to go to MV..waited for the damn bus for 20minutes,then dash back home to get my brothers handphone..Mine was out of battery..How to contact May ching to meet up with her,or ask mum to fetch me back?after weighing the pros and cons for 3 minutes..better run back get a phone,and after a 20minutes jog to and fro,i stll maaged to get the bus..Taman Desa Saturday's bus,never punctual..a blessing in disguise?haha..Got to MV on time,earlier than May Ching somemore,and shopped for Matsuse's present..What in the world...Why so hard to get presents one,even after narrowing down to a shirt and a tie?The thing was,cute cartoon type tie?or serious business like tie?James,Idris and Clement..no help at all..bah...wasted my credit.short sleeve shirt or long sleeve ones?James insisted on long sleeve,but long sleeve...so business like..After the vote from Idris's sms,May Cing's idea and my guts..I settled for a shirt sleeve shirt from SUB..haha..Jame's gonna kill me tomorrow..who cares,I managed to get the shirt,tie(err,regret a bit getting a cartoon one..haha)and added a card,all within the RM60 budget..I'm impressed myself...haha
3.crapped lots..wanted to leave this 3rd paragraph for my supposed mamak drink with Alex and Emerson but too bad it was cancelled..What ever lar..I'm used to it lar..Can't blame emerson since he's working so late..fine lo..what to do..Can only see them 2weeks from now lo..From today onwards got to dig my own grave of books already..for its time for exam..sighhhhh........tomorrow,majlis buka puasa..hope it'll be nice,cuz then we'll reveal our suprise party for Matsuse Sensei's 30th birthday celebration..haha.
~Food Food Food~
Monday,Halim suprised me early in the morning.I was wondering why he was in school that early Monday,when he usually reach about 730am.As I was reading the newspaper,again(I said again,because,I usually have sixth sense when someone is looking for me,and I'll just look up the window,hard to explain..) I suddenly looked out the window and saw Halim gesturing me to go out the class..I went and...he suprised me,a pleasant one too..He gave me a wrapped tissue with 2 prunes..The thing was the week before,I asked him things about Ramadan and why are they recommended to take prunes during this time of the period.Aizat even gave me a food for thought:"why are prunes sweet,yet fu sh gi ni,there's no worms or ants at the flesh of any prune?"hmm...thinking maybe Halim can answer,I chatted with him about it,and he told me there's a kind of prune that is sweeter than most of the prunes and it was quite expensive(though barely answering my question)..and there it was on my hand,wrapped in the tissue,the 2 sweet tasty prunes..I was so touched!It doesn't matter there's only 2,it was his small act that really,really,made me wam and felt fuzzy..How nice of him...I'm touched..
There's more..On Tuesday,after having a misery of a few biscuits as my dinner for I stayed back,I was starving to hell.but I gave James the rest of the biscuits cause he's on vegetarian food for the week.Well,I would like to believe that all good things goes and comes around,that night itself,after a disastrous and long waiting hours at school..To be exact,830pm wait for bus,bus came at 9pm,start moving at 10pm,reach hostel,voila,1040pm!!I was exhausted and the hunger just add salt to wound..But when I stepped in the room,lo behold,the sight of a beautiful plastic wrapped container(actually its just a cheap plastic bag!=p)with...AYAMAS chicken!!!i was overwhelmed with ...I don't know..This time it was Luqman.How sweet of him too..He practically gave me more than enough ler..I was famished at that time and can't wait to sink my teeth into the juicy meat and I struggled to wash and bathe as quickly as I can..haha,I sounded so pathetic,but what to do,i was famished,really dying of hnger at that time and it was like gift from heaven at that time..Thank you soooo much Luq..for the second time,I'm touched
Too bad there's non on Wednesday..But comes Thursday..Awww,I felt so..yes,you guessed it,touched again..this time is my partner,Aizat..It was 245pm,we were to discuss about our project in the group of four,but having to done their part,the guys went to the computer room for some "research" while Izzati and I did some alteration which basically took up the whole one hur and 15minutes of our free time in the next self-study period.Aizat soon came back wth Irfan,each holding a packet of Bubur Lambuk which was given free nehind the mosque.I have told Aizat about it and we agreed to go yesterday..However,figuring I'm a non Muslim,might as well don't take even though I did fast..haha..Anyway,"Ti,ini untuk kau.."I was like..."Ape??"Shocked..tergamam,terpingu,ter-shocked!Again,whoa...TOUCHED!!How can there be such a nice person?He said he tried before and upon hearing I never tried,he got one packet for me..aww...I quickly shared it with May Ching and James,using May Ching's mineral bottle..err,as our bowl..since it was still hot so might as well,break fast early that day and tried the porridge..It sure was good,and under those circumstances..It sure taste a hell lot better,amidst the cut-into-two-mineral bottle..shoots,it was just great..
All in all,I have not only enjoyed a variety of great food,including mum's birthday dinner..I've learnt that,I have GREAT Malay pals..Words just can't conjour how much I appreciate them..
~Happy Birthday~
Today is 13th October 2005.The last birthday I'll be celebrating with my mum until I leave for Japan in a few months time,time really flies.We had a great dinner at TGIF,and we even told the people there and they actually sang a song for her(thanks Clement,for telling me there's this service)..not the typical Happy Birthday to you,it was a rap type,adding some pop,with a flavour of "We will,we will rock you!"*stomp stomp..It was fabulous and I was enjoying the fun..Too bad my mum wasn't sporting enough to stand on the chair to belt out a song with the Ketchup bottle as mic when asked to do so..but again we had lotsa fun,I really enjoyed it.It was pretty different from the rest who had their songs sang because those customers were kiddies,and one adult (man) got a war dance like song,ours was superb,cuz it might be there were less diners by then..had great fun..TGIF,though expensive,it has really great interior and wonderful atmosphere,simply said,nicely done..
Got to stop here,tomorrow is school day..Got a ride from Ito Sensei back home just now,how nice of him..Though I really struggled with my Japanese,sigh,malu betul..Thank goodness there was no jam,the ride took only 30minutes..Cannot..tahan already...got to sleep...arrghh...to be continue tomorrow..talk about Yoshida senses' talk with me,talk about Halim,Luqman and Aizat's food delivery...next blog..bye
~Nantonaku~
今日は、気持ちはちょっと変。。。。楽しくなかった訳ではなく、ちょっと慣れなかった。。。。高校の友達と一緒にFLIGHT PLANという映画を見った。彼女達は本当は私の親友ではないが、私達は何回も外出して、楽しい思い出を残した。。。それで、今日もいつと同様に,映画を見て、一日を過ごした。私達は、ある二人の同窓友を出会った。Pui Zhanは全然変わらなかったが、私達は何となく礼が過ぎるかなと思えるようになった。ゆくりにっこり笑ったり、有礼に相手のことを聞いたりしてなんか知らない人みたいに有礼過ぎだ。。それで、Li Sheanさん と合った時もそうだ。彼女はただPhooi Funさんと嬉しく話し合ったが、hui Chienと私はただその間々待っていた。話そうとしたかったが、Pui Zhanさんとの話もその一つの例だ、ただ「どこで、なにを勉強しているの?」などの話ばかりだった。本当に聞いてくれたのか、わからない。でも、出会えるのは、本当に良かったと思う。皆も元気に自分の人生を楽しく歩ける、どんなに「難しい、難しい」と言っても。私と全く違うのだ。。。。。
さて、Emersonと言う親友とのMamakのことだ。以前と同じように、私達はつい長い時間を話し合った。彼の大学生という人生は極めて特別で面白く思われるようになった。やはり、Creative Multimediaという専攻を専門にしている人は普通の人との考え枠に出って、より面白い生活を暮らしているのだ。putrajayaの橋で集合して話し合って、夜遅くまでも車で道を走り回って。。。しかし、私はEmersonが紹介した可笑しいvideoを見て、黙るようになった。それは、cartoon characterを使って、色々な可笑しい事故によって、内臓と血が周囲に飛び散ってanimationだった。初めて見たとき、可笑しく見えなかった。それで、身の回りの影響の迫力が分かった上に、人は変えられることが分かった。。。。時間がどんなに短くても。でも、まだ納得できる、私。それは犯罪ではないから、ただことを見る方法が違うしかないのだ。。
~blink blink blink...~
Sometimes I just turn on the pc at home,stare at the empty screen and just go blank about what to do*blink blink*..unlike some people who tend to get addicted,I managed to overcome the temptation this week..Some just switch on and automatically,they have lots to do,be it download the latest sound tracks,animes,music video,chat,blog,watch anime,or just plainly going through friendster,its so automatically done that it is almost like..i hate this word..a ROUTINE..I wonder is that all about online world?What is it that make us go back for more all this while?I realise that after going through the rountine of blogging,mail checking and friendster surfing..I have nothing else to do..Never mind that I'm a software idiot or plainly,I know zits about which website to download the latest MP3 song..I find it quite irrelevant..Call me a post era teenager(if I'm still one..am i??),not having an MP3 player really made me think that hey,we don't lose out just because we don't own something others do...I know,music plays a large impact in our daily lives,but then again,the music industry is ever changing,so what if I can't get the latest songs nowadays?Its never too late if I only start to appreciate them in a foreign country...
Again,I'm going in a very unstructured way of writing...In a way,I tend to note that when I get into the blues,I write better..For my head will be filled with only sorrow about something,the last entry was a good example...I will blog non stop about that thing itself,and everything will revolve only around it,hence,a good entry with only one main focus..This blog,is like chopped up entry,with a little of here and there.After all,our brains work in impulses right?Who knows where the next electrical impulse will connect to? So,people,feel free to cut the reading short here,for i'm crapping nuts again..funny,and I was saying I looked at an empty screen,and then this crap start to work by itself...Amazing,the power of the brain..
Back to myself again..wanted to blog about school stuff but hey,who'll be interested?Besides there's not much to write anyway..I can blog about the advantages and the reasons I stay back after school for revisions and homework(a.k.a.paperwork completion,just like the time I worked as a secretary)though..But then its just as good as putting up the sign "BEWARNED!!lullaby ahead..."Nah,I'll skip that..So what else?The badminton game with May Ching at night yesterday?Nah,dun like to brag about the WINS...hehe,it was fun,after not being able to sweat it out that much after this long..Now its only a once a week game,what has PPKTJ done to me?!!???This is getting nowhere...
Just to make this longer,since its not very often that I got to online on a Friday night,dead exhausted after being stuck in the jam due to the Fasting Month( a usually 20minutes journey took 1 and a half hour) and with no one to chat to..Seems like everyone is being really touchy these days,or is it nobody really have things to talk about to each other?Or better still,nobody is in the mood to go through the "Hi..hows things?""Fine,how bout you?""ok.."........silence..what goes on is beyond me..kind of thing..It really needs some quick thinking at times,when you encounter this kinda sticky situation,whereby you start chatting with say,a senior or an old accquaintance..After the usual greeting,it involves lots of tact and savviness to keep the flow of chatting,and that,my man..Needs sharp minds and quick thinking,and ironically,it helps drained out our idea fluids at times..But on the positive side,whats a better way to enhance the well given brain?My this is pure crap,and I'm repeating this line for god knows how many times...this is crap..
Gain ideas from May Chings blog..hmm,Fasting...used to hear about it but it didn't really sounded anything to me back in my secondary school days..Having to grow up with no Malay friends since young,I found a new world here,where I Breathe,Eat,Sleep(in the class ok...no wrong ideas please) and Live among the Malays.As I have mentioned lots about them in my previous blogs,they are a newfound world to me..A whole new way of thinking,of living etc.I got to know them better,and I'm enjoying it..so I started to go fasting too.Mind you,only the food part..Its a piece of cake to me,having to eat little to nothing for lunch in normal school days anyway,but the first day was tough..I think its because mentally i've been repeating "I'm fasting today i'm fasting today" that's why..Now,I'm just..swell..means,ok..daijyobu,heiki..The power of the brain,again,ever so powerful..i plan to,like them,fast for a month...and I know I can..Just,I got to stop reminding myself its lunch time..=p
Ok,will end here..Never knew crapping can be this long too..what shall I do now?Continue catching up with a story book..its better than nothing..
~The great failure..~
As one would have expect from this blog,its about the failure I encountered just 5hours ago..So much about giving my best,the hell with it..so much about encouragements,the hell with it..so much about,"You've done well,I'm impressed..",the hell with it...
The first 7 people to go up n stage,only one won...and that wasn't me..I'm fine with that,but out of seven,5 won from the second batch,what does it shows?Thats there was a huge comparison,and it was unfair for those who performed earlier,for they got to compare,and yet,the marks were given in the first round and no alterations were made..i will not go on to the part of how I had performed..Seriously speaking,i think it was my best,and i cleared all the blunders I had in pratises...And I admit losing to the rest(not actually,but i have my reasons,wait..),except for the gal who bagged top..It was totally unpredictable bomb..Goodness,seriously speaking,she can't even be up to the par with the other 5 winners...She can't even pronounce any word correctly..I'm no sour grape..Actually when her title was announced,everyone was shocked,this is the first time I've heard so many gasp in the room,even from her herself,sitting behind me...
Oh well,I have to accept it..I admit,I was expecting 1st prize,due to too much praising by listeners of my speech..The hell with AAJ sensei's praising all of us PPKTJ students,I can't believe I got empty handed..so what if everyone in the room was listening attentively?So what if Hasparina Sensei cried because of my speech?I lost,because my speech lacked vocab?My speech lacked things they can relate to?Someone,please enlighten me...The sickening pain i felt when the first prize was annonced,and it was not my name...I can sense everyone looking at me when the first prize was about to announce,I saw them turning to me,the winners on stage...Yet,it was dumbfounding..U all might say I'm very proud and ambitious,but hell,based on performance,I lost nothing..frankly speaking,I can even out perform some of those winners on stage..But i lost,for what,I have no idea..I didn't forgot my speech,I made gestures and I even made some people cry,but I lost..
It was damn humiliatating..But,people seems to sympathise with me more..A lot of unknown Japanese came to me and expressed their shock and asked me to work harder and join the Speech Contest in Japan..Said my speech is good enough..Yeah right..I'm afraid I cannot coope with a second blow..I despise the sympathetic faces,I know they meant well,but hell,they succeed more in making me feeling bad for failing them..Especially the senseis..All came,and expressed their shock..Yoshida Sensei even hugged me,doesn't she know,that will only make me feel like crying?No,I won't crumble,and I shed no tears..I smiled rather forcefully too,when pictures were taken..Not because I'm sad,its because,I know they are watching,how hard I'm tryng to stay calm...Like the words"the higher you hopes are,the more dissapointment you'll feel should you fail"I found it,the true failure...
How will I face all the people in PPKTJ on Monday?I don't feel like listening to all the"never mind lar,its the experience that counts" yet,it'll happen..How ironic of me..Well see how far I can control the facial expressions..How deceiving I can be...RM70 Kinokuniya Voucher?I'll get the thickest book I can find..It'll remind me of my lost...Again,my heart cried in dismay..it is almost 2am..Why the tears still hasn't arrive yet?Does the shopping for my last birthday present for my mum in Malaysia worked?No,that can't be...it must be...I'm totally lost from here
~Once in a lifetime encounter~
I would have post my PD trip first but,trying to get some pictures in that blog,it'll have to wait(its a major construction)..this blog is actually about my speech contest which will take place in 7hours and 13minutes..Before I go in to the hall to deliver my thousand-times practised speech,I would like to share with my friends here,how I felt all this while,having to prepare for this speech,and to some,to take this enormous responsibility..
You guys must be wondering where is this going to lead to,for the title of this blog indicated something different right?Well,that,is actually the litereal translation of my Japanese speech.The summary of the speech is about how many times we have encounters with people,yet we ignore some of them,having not to realise that someday this encounter you have with this person might or would be a life changing one..And I gave 2examples and it was actually the whole speech...
The whole week I've been meeting with Yoshida Sensei,practisng at 1pm,actually it was the time I feared most and it proned my heart to beat fast at every lesson before1pm.Monday was the day i "received" a headche,having to attempt numerous times for a perfect conclusion for my speech,i usually hit a blank wall...After the 5th attempt on Monday yet it was rejected,I felt exasperated..the practise was really a test of patience too,having to read the speech in an extra slow pace,10 seconds apart from each paragraph,it's really killing..(its a norm,how can teenagers red in a frandma speed????)And from 1.20pm onwards I was having real headache and it lasted til bedtime..Amazing what pressure could do huh?On top of that,I was given one day,by Tuesday,I should memorise the speech by hard..Great,a speech without conclusion..And i attempted to write a more "thoughtful" conclusion..while the background was filled with Prince of Tennis anime soundtrack along with the voices of fast pace talking Japanese,I tried to remain composure and fought on(alone) for 3hours to produce 11pitiful lines for my conclusion..having to read Xin ning's speech for ideas,it suddenly hit me that I'm actually weak in Japanese after all,and I could never produce an article as thought provoking as Xin ning's blog,where not only people can relate to what she's writing about,we can feel her emotions seeping out in every corner of the speech...i felt even more dejected as I retire to my room and completed the remaining lines..
As I have predicted,my lines were just hopeful lines to actually wish they can pass the screening test..Out of 11,only 3 were used..And eve that 3,it was modified..not that I mind,as long as my thoughts are there,it just hurts a little that i can't write lines which needs no correction yet shows my emotions..Like xin ning and Chiang Shen,and many others I believe,like Ayuni...they can write flawless essays an I really envy them with that..however,the joy that i need no thinking no more for my conclusion was a bliss,and for the first time,I'm smiling because of my speech..i can now concentrate on the presenting part...
Wednesday,I was given another griling test of patience,to memorise my speech in the previously stated slow pace along with the new conclusion.I failed miserably not having to put any and emotions into the speech,and seriously speaking..My speech needs lots of it..(maybe I should just lay my eyes on getting and oscar nomination for Bst actress instead)The thing is,here's the truth...Ready??My speech is all crap..(try define the crap part yourself..ask me some other time if you can't figure it out)because it's crap,I can't put emotions in it...
Thursday,I was hit with another blow that after so many attempts of memorsing,I still stammered at some part..ESPECIALLY the conclusion..What has "conclusion" got against me??Adn the fatal (almost) blow of the day..I stayed back to study and yes,to practise my speech in my class alone,while the rest went back to their comfort zone of electrical haven in the hostel..The blow was,i asked Kim Shing and Look to listen to my speech(they are one of the minorities who stayed back to,err...fight on) and Kim delivered the blow that night..He said,it was dissapointing to hear that it was such a good speech yet presented with no emotions whatsoever..and the 2 experience/examples is wasted down the drain..Look was the more softer one,but it delivered the same realisation to me..That i was not up to mark to what i have presented in the IBS and...I was monotone..I stayed back til 9pm,got on the bus,feeling dejected and bried myself with tiredness and red a great deal in the bus which only start leaving at 10pm..Having to reach hostel at 1045pm,seeing Amir relaxing with Anuar they all,eating Kebab..I wonder why I don't have that much confidence like Amir and emtions..The shower was good and one last look of my dissapointed self,reflected by looking one more time at my speech..I slept dreaming about my failure...
Friday..everyone who can't go to the contst later had extended their well wishing,of good luck an stay calm quotes...2pm,I faced Yoshida Sensei once more and felt relived that pratise sessions were finally over..A huge grin crept up my face..Besides worrying that I can't perform up to her standads,there was tis awkwardness that I can't speak fluently well in japanese and I noticed myself saying "haik" more then my entire life..My verbal comunication only remain that much throughout the whole week of practise..I hate to fumble,which is why I hated even more...To ask someone to wait while i form words in my head..
Its the day,how do I feel right now?Just a little lost..The whole week,i felt like I've been batteling alone,occasionly some help from Ayuni And May Ching who gave me strenghth by asking me to stay on and encoraged me to practise..And Xin Ning too,for trying to help me with my conclusion..I can see she's stressed out herelf..Thursday night was the devastating night for both of us..According to Clement,she felt dissapointed that after 1 week practise,Uematsu Sensei showed his dissapointment that Xin Ning can't seem to lose her chinese slang( as the same problem i face)But she seemed well on friday..I felt concerned..I've heard that some say I showed as if I wanted to win badly,and I'd like to beg to differ..I wanted to see how far I can go,for,not being to perform academically well as the others here,I'd like to try to chanel my energy to something else for a change..Frankly speaking,win or lose,it DOES matter,but right now...I just want to see if i can perform to my best,when I deliberately wants too....