~The day before D day~

29th of January..Keat Yee and Boon Hon's birthday.The day before I get my pin pulled out.Worried sick...I was so damn moody,down,blue..all day.Even thought of eating myself to death for I had plenty of time to roam Apita after finishing experiment today..But the thought of me gaining weight just made me even sadder..

I've gained,to be exact.2kg..It doesn't sound much,but it really shows.Damn,why of all places I grow fat on my cheeks first?Everyone who knows me knows that I 'love' to think to much,I have no idea why..I just hate my weight gain,yet when I get moody,I eat.I see that there's sale,I buy food.When I study I pop chocolates into my mouth,I love trying to make Malaysian dishes using limited Japanese ingredients..I'm helpless against food..Yet,I worry about it.It's a suicidal circle,eat,feel guilty and eat again..I could never be happy this way..

So it doesn't help when I have more worries on my head..The small operation tomorrow is one of them...It IS one step closer for me to get back to my normal life,but tomorrows process is a frightful one.I worry I couldn't sleep,that's why I blog to tire my eyes..I think too much..

And to give some replies to the comments on my previous blog,I did mention something like ' there is an end to this seemingly endless education road'?Yeah,well,it does in reality,ends with a PHD.But did I mention that it ends my learning life?I don't remember saying so..As far as I am concern,education with a cert if you guys want to put it,does end with a PHD..How much higher can you go?

Education(with a cert) wise,I wish I could reach there.That is my main point of worry,along the way,I will of course pick up;experience,fun,friendships etc..Comments I received seems to say that I lack the ability to see that there are better things in life than just get a PHD.(That's what happen when one just focus on one part of the blog..Read,and get the wholesome idea,please?)I do know all these are also important,I'm just stating I lacked passion in what I do and I'm doubting my abilities to go higher up the education road,that's all..Sorry if I offended anyone with my words..But that's all about blogging ain't it?It has been long since I write my own feelings..

~Wednesday's blog~

Today is Friday,done some shopping..For presents and souvenirs..going broke soon but had fun cuz it had been awhile since I spent money on things other than food..Would like to write about some thoughts I had on Wednesday..copy from part of my diary..hehe

Wednesday 24/01/2007

Just got back from ESS drinking party.The last part where Mr.Lawson took out his PHD and Master's thesis really got me thinking. typical of him to show off I'm glad he did though for it got me thinking how far would I want to get on with my life.

Would I be contented with a degree,get a job and get married?Or should I aim higher get a PHD,but still get a job and marry in the end?

Every successful pepople have a certain quality in them,you can see it in thier way of expressing themselves,full of poise and confidence.I see none of those in myself,only an empty shell with useless pride and certain fakeness.I'm not those geniuses with excellent memories or those with passionate dreams.To be successful, first and foremost,you need to have a clear mind of what you want, in other words,be passionate about your dreams..

And successful people don't run away from challenges,they find solutions and face them.I'm not sure I'm able to do that..Back to Mr. Lawson,it made me realised that there IS a full stop to this seemingly endless education road,that is PHD.If possible I do wish I can make it there but I doubt my own abilities.That's because I learn,I score but I also forget all..

But most of all,it's because I lacked passion in what I am doing.I finally realised that I'm doing what I deemed is right all this while,the right way to lead a life.Is it a bad thing actually?I'm not sure.For I lacked passion,not only in this,but actually in everything.I've lived 20years of my life achieving goals and will keep on doing so.For without goals,what is the purpose of life?But...if halfway through achieving the next goal I set for myself,I burnt out,will it be the end?

~Relaxing~

Its Saturday..Not much homework this week so been watching Korean drama.Time seems to pass by slowly with one hand working only..Can't wait til the bandage is taken off.For 2weekends Soo Sing has been cooking Saturday dinners for me,really touched..

Counting the days where I can return to Malaysia but ironically..I'm not really going crazy about it..Wonder why..Because its home after all?Life here seems so surreal and temporarily,in a way,the thought that there's always a country and place where I belong seems to disguise the fact that I am actually in Japan,not pretending to be..Confusing eh?

So,friends in Malaysia,I give you the chance to state what you want from Japan.No,Prius is out of the question Shengcui..So shoot away,I'll try my best to fulfill them..

~Random thoughts~

Back to class for 4days..As expected first day some classmates asked bout my hand.Second day less,third day none.Its hard changing,for the first time it took me 20minutes just to get dressed.Everything seemed like a challenge,funny how we use to take our hands for granted huh?Just like everything else we tend to take for granted in life,only when we lose it do we notice its' importance..

Was told that I couldn't use keigo.My tutor offered to help me practise during my daily life,I laughed it off cuz its weird.But I was shocked and I promised her I will be careful in front of the teachers.(my class teacher told her that)

Guys lose weight easily.They just have to eat less than what they eat usually for say..at least one month,voila!You can see the difference..Gal?Especially MUA???3month eat less also no difference..*grumble grumble

My studies is getting worse.What is wrong???I'm not slacking,I just feel that my mind is no longer working as well as the time I just came.Saturated??*more grumble...

Booking air ticket is a hassle!Especially cheap ones,not only you have to find one,you have to confirm a lot of things..But though it gives me a headache,can't help feeling..Wow,I'm grown up!!

Again bout me of cuz.One year has passed since I came to Japan.Feel like I haven't achieve or change much.Appearance wise except for the so-called 'baby fat' on my cheeks and my one-year didn't cut hair,nothing has changed.Mentally?I'm always too matured for my own good and fickle minded the last time I checked,so,no changes.By the end of this paragraph,what's my point?Nothing...That's my point..The title says all no?Random thoughts..lalala

~I'm ok~

I'm doing fine,I guess.Thanks for all the concern,messages,mails,mocking etc..Of cuz I can't say its no big deal,but like all things that happens in life,I have to accept the fact and move on..No point wailing over it non stop right?

My motto was always this,got a problem,find a solution.

No matter how much you loathe it,lazy to work on it,the problem could never,however we wish it could,solve itself..Complain along the way,brag about it along the way,if it makes you feel better or if you need it on your journey to find a solution,but by the end of the day,you still have to work out something...

Now my situation is this..I have an injured hand.Yea,I have trouble doing things efficiently and easily as I would have with 2hands.But still,things have to be done.So though slowly,I still have to feed myself,clothe myself,bathe myself..That's the basics.No one fetch me to the hospital?Take a bus.I can't live on other people's help all day,they have their routine to go on,I'm not their responsibility.

Funny as it may sound,my worry now is what to where to class soon.Having a huge bandage on my hand,it hurts when I have to squeeze my hand into the narrow,long sleeve shirts.So I resort to short sleeve in my room,cuz there's heater.But go to class?haaa..I am outta idea what to wear..Its damn freaking cold outside now,6degrees is the norm,so how??Next prob,the next check up is on a weekday,I have to skip class,which if possible I want to avoid..How????I want to take full attendance for a good record to go into a good University.Erm,not to say if I could get a full attendance I could go to a good U but..its a good record thing..and if possible I don't wanna skip class..

Sigh,anyway,class is starting on the 9th,sooner or later I still have to face reality and go to class with everyone staring.I'm so gonna miss the time where I can wake up late,watch drama non stop etc.I shiver at the thought of the small test I have on the 11th,3 on one day..I'm so going to die..Since when has study become so difficult anyway???

~4th of Jan 2007~

One week in the hostel,watching drama,sleeping,revising..that's my life..boring as it may sound,but it was pretty relaxing I'd say.Of cuz given the choice I wouldn't want to be here and would chose to go around Osaka but being 'forced' to be here,I found that it isn't that bad after all..

It's already 2007..everyone will go starting their blog stating their new year's resolution etc..me..erm,let's just say,I'm glad I'm fine,vowed not to play ski anymore and like my friend told me..Live life to the fullest,but be careful along the way..