~I can't~

It has been a long time I really put my heart into writting a blog.In fact,recently I have no idea why,but my train of thoughts have all been jumbled up.It could be that I have too many languages in my brain and without proper practise,all the vocabs and verses have been all mixed up.Not only that,I lost the focus I had when I first came to Japan.When I first came,my aim was only to learn to adapt as soon as possible.And so I was busy learning and focused only on learning.Studies wise,to make friends,to live in Japan.

However,now I'm reaching my 3rd year in Japan.I've reached my goal of making friends,learning to adapt etc.But along with it I lost something as well.I lost myself and my focus.
3years here,ironically my Japanese got worse.1st of May's presentation was a disaster.I was so involved in preparing the slide shows that I didn't really prepare my speech and gave the job to my lousy-partner.On that day,I just read what he wrote and the feedback I got from my friends was that I sounded weird.It's not because the script he wrote was lousy(maybe part of it)its because it was written by him that I couldn't really comprehend well what was written and read it in a very weird intonation,pausing at the wrong places.My tutor told me and I asked other friends as well.It was quite obvious that the level of my Jap has gone down.I cried like shit in my room.

Sometimes,I just what's the point of insisting that I get to a top University.My mum never pressured me to get into one.I just want to do it myself.But I have no idea why.I think I'm the most ironic person in the world I have every known.

I can't find the focus I used to have.I think I need to do so else I'll just die of self-pity.High expectations for myself,but I somehow can't work out the right way to coope with it right now.