~Thoughts~

Staring at the board,
Wondering off in space,
Often she wondered,
What is her role in this place.

A change of surroundings,
But nevertheless still the same.
A feel of being a foreigner,
An excuse that sounds ever so lame.

Excitement,nervousness and worries,
Were no longer anywhere seen,
In exchange if the pessimism,
That slowly takes in.
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Its already the 18th of April.As I've said earlier on in my previous entry,I found everything here basically the same.There's no hoo-haa about anything,I'm not even amazed at anything to say the least.It might be that I'm heeding my friends' advice,"shun qi zi ran" meaning taking nature at its course,or it might be I can't even bothered to even make a big fuss out of everything.

Still,that doesn't mean I dislike being here.That also doesn't mean I'm wasting my government's money.It doesn't mean I don't have any Japanese friends,nor it doesn't mean I'm not learning or experiencing anything.But the truth is,like how I have brought myself or get myself used to,I learn everyday.Be it in Malaysia or now,in Japan,I've always made myself to accept changes,to suit everyones' needs,to observe before acting,and...to perform at my best or don't do anything at all if I have no confidence.Stubbornly said,its just my nature.

I always believed in horoscopes but it also turned out that I've been putting the blame on my Aquarius sign a lot.I love keeping in touch with friends,whether its a two way thing or not.(A well known Aquarian trait)I take the effort to know about my friends,sometimes to the extent of neglecting my own stuffs.I might be boastful and egoistic,to say that I care about my friends more,but nevertheless,in Japan now,I can almost see myself with no best buddies,just friends.Thus,I online often,trying to get a glimpse of any friend,but alas,in this way,I looked like I'm trying to shun away from my Japanese world right here.Try as I might,I know it'll be hard to get into my tutors' circle of friends,however close they are to me compared to my tutor.However much I looked like one of them,I can NEVER be them and can never get as comfortable with them as to my Malaysian fellows.This is a fact,and I have no qualms about that.

It could be that after resting for so long,it's hard for me to get back to my studious mood.I'm sent here to study anyway,so that I shall do.So is it wrong for me to say that I found everything I study here same as in Malaysia?What's the difference anyway?Basically its back to the basics,you go to class,listen to the lecturers,take notes,do revision,take tests etc.Life goes on with the sickly familiar routine-ness.Thus my first line when I get to chat on Skype was.."I'm bored"..Some,no,scratch that.Most of them are suprised that I'm not jumping up and down,over-excited or feeling homesick etc.I'll tell you all truthfully how I feel,what's the big deal?The only thing that can really put a smile to my face is the tinge of familiarity when I chat with my friends,not so often,but at least once after a long period of time.I've not smiled sincerely as I've used to in Malaysia,this I've managed to make a mental note.Now why is that?

A friend was suprised at my mood of not-being-bothered,and I'm sure most of you do.The thing is,as I've stated a few times here,there's no life-changing issues that happened to me here just yet.I live my life here,as I've always in Malaysia,with the monotoneous pace.I'd love to look back 'ages and ages hence',with no regret that I've live my life here to the fullest,and I shall try just that.Gradually,I hope I can,just..... 'walk with me,not behind or in front of me'...Stay with me before I can achieve of what I believe I can achive here...